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Our Little Living Blog
little people. little things. little life.
✨T H R E E H U N D R E D A N D T W E N T Y F O U R M O N T H S ! ✨ We can’t believe it. Baby Alicia’s recent milestones include learning to care for her curls, successfully keeping a baby alive for 9 months, buying a house, and she is finally toilet trained! (oh boy, just kidding about that last one...). We’re still waiting for baby Alicia to fold her clothes and put them away before they get wrinkly, drive stick, save her burps for when nobody is around (husbands wish 🤞🏼), and to get over her fear of spiders. Here’s to the next 12 months! ✨
Okay. That nicu post brought up a whole slew of emotions I had forgotten about. “if i didn’t ask for help it was because i didn’t know how” Honestly, this motherhood thing has been rough. Don’t get me wrong, this has been an amazing season in my life, I love my baby more deeply than I could have imagined. But, there are so many days when I feel like I’m floundering. If I didn’t ask for help, it’s honestly because I didn’t know how. Or didn’t want to give up control. Or because I was too deep in sleep deprivation to even realize. How do I explain I am struggling to cook anything harder than eggs when my brain thinks it’s working just fine. How do I get you to understand that the baby screamed all night when she grins at you from my arms. How do I say I lived on protein shakes and almonds for months when I didn’t see a problem. How do I tell you that my ece experience has seeped into my parenting and there are seemingly normal things that I will not do or will do totally different but my brain doesn’t have the capacity to explain my pedagogy and it’s easier to just not have that internal conflict. How do I say I didn’t want to leave my baby because I was afraid to be separated again. How do I say, with confidence, that it’s harder for me to hear her cry in someones arms while they walk away thinking they’re helping because then I can’t hear her... when it’s causing me to shrivel inside and I have no confidence or energy left to speak up. We live in a society that accepts “fine” as an answer for how are you? you expect me to share my thoughts and struggles on a whim? No, thank you. If I haven’t asked for help I might be hiding my weakness. But I often just don’t think I need help. Or don’t want help. I AM 100% capable and qualified to care for my daughter and asking for help sometimes makes me feel like like I’m not. There are so so many good days in this mamahood journey and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I feel strong and empowered. But also my brain is still figuring it all out. So instead of saying, “let me know if you need help” what I really needed was acknowledgment, “I know you didn’t ask for help. But I want to care for you. I’m here, what can I do.”
“Let me know if you need help” - This picture was taken just after my discharge. You can’t see the tears that were brewing because I felt that I needed to “be strong”. This baby that had hours ago been inside my body was suddenly going to be cities away. Every single step in this motherhood journey has been raw and exhausting and it started with fear, pain and deep sadness. So, if I didn’t ask for help, it was because I didn’t know how. -- I left my 2 day old baby in the hospital. I left her. She was placed in my arms and then taken. Born in the afternoon I didn’t hold her again until the next day at noon. Then, the next day I was discharged. She stayed. I left. And If I didn’t ask for help it was because I didn’t know how. -- We are so thankful that her stay in the NICU was brief and that she wasn’t in critical condition in any way. Regardless, she was alone, without me, in her little incubator for 4 nights. When she was moved up to paediatrics they wanted to keep her *just* one more night so that we could “learn to care for her under supervision” and we insisted that we wanted to take her home. I didn’t want to leave her again. We took her home and spent the night together. And the next night. And the night after that. And all the nights until this month when we moved into our new house and I desperately needed to sleep without waking her up every time I sneezed. Now she’s in her own room but she’s only 10 feet away. And through all of this, if I didn’t ask you for help it was not because I didn’t need it. It was because I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to ask for help. -- September is NICU awareness month. For the team of professionals that cared for my baby when I wasn’t able to, thank you.
Next Friday evening, October 5, I’m hosting my first essential oils make & take. If you’re new or curious about these, or already like using oils, this could be for you! We’ll be making 3 things for you to take home and use right away - 2 roller bottles and 1 room spray featuring these oils and a few others to round out our autumn themed line up. Shoot me a message if you might be interested in joining :)
One week at home. Home. It sounds so lovely, this is our home. There are still things in boxes and others to be rearranged. We hung pictures on all the left behind hooks and put out all of our books. Candles from a friend as a housewarming gift. Home 💕
Langley Farmers Market
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